Never Look Back
by Aletta
Summary: After the events in the game, Rinoa struggles to learn to control her powers, and Ellone reflects on her past abuses of her own.


Never Look Back 

Never Look Back 

**_"I can't do this anymore!"_** Rinoa half sobbed, half screamed, collapsing to her knees as sparks from Quistis's last magical assault danced and crackled about her. Her hair was a sweaty mess that kept getting into her eyes, her limbs were trembling like aspen leaves in the wind, her stomach lurching dangerously. "I can't do it." she repeated, struggling to keep tears from pouring down her cheeks. "It's too much, too hard. I just can't." 

Across the empty, shielded room they'd been using as an impromptu training center, Quistis serenely folded her arms across her chest. Not a single sunny gold strand of hair was so much as mussed, not a bead of sweat even threatened to form on her elegent brow. For all anyone knew, Quistis had been merely standing there chatting with Rinoa for the past hour and a half, not bombarding her with paramagic and deflecting Rinoa's own magical attacks. "Rinoa, you don't have a choice." Quistis stated flatly and calmly. "If you _don't_ learn to control your Sorceress powers, you'll be a danger to everyone around you without ever meaning to be." 

She didn't have to say that Rinoa had already had several near misses. Rinoa couldn't forget. It haunted her almost contently now. _That girl who was hitting on Squall...that Galbadian solider who was insulting Timber..._ she mentally ticked off the tally of everyone she'd unconsciously lashed out at. _My own father..._ Who was now hospitalized. Rinoa hadn't meant for him to be hurt as badly as he had been...she hadn't meant to hurt him at all... 

He'd be okay. But that didn't excuse what she'd done to him simply because she had an immense amount of power and no more idea of how to keep it in check than she had of how to catch the moon and wear it on her necklace. 

Rinoa clasped a hand around the two rings that dangled from her necklace, seeking comfort from what they represented. Her mother's wedding ring, and Squall's lion ring. Symbols of the two people in the world she loved the most. One was beyond her ability to reach...but what if she accidentally hurt Squall...? 

"Get up. We still have a half hour." Quistis ordered in her most annoying Instructor voice. 

"Shut up." Rinoa snapped without meaning to, her frustration and fear boiling to the surface. "You don't know what it's like." Nobody did. Nobody _could_. There had never been a single Sorceress alive who bore as much power in her as Rinoa did...because before, all the Sorceress power in existence had been spread out. That wasn't the case anymore. One young woman alone now bore all the power the Great Hyne had bestowed upon his descendants...and that one woman was Rinoa Heartilly. 

"Quite correct." Edea Kramer's soothing voice agreed from her vantage point in the middle of the room. Edea had been a Sorceress...she was the only person alive right now who had any idea how to train one. Rinoa was usually grateful for her help, but right now, she just wished Edea (and Quistis) would go away. "Quistis doesn't know what it's like. I do, and I think that's quite enough for today." 

Quistis nodded, cool as ever. "I have a meeting with Headmaster Cid in an hour anyway, I suppose I could use the extra time to get ready for it...same time tomorrow, all right, Rinoa?" Quistis hesitated, then said uncomfortably, "Take it easy on yourself, Rinoa. You're taking this far to hard." 

Rinoa nodded weakly, sitting on the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest. "Fine, whatever." she croaked. 

"You're starting to sound like Squall." Quistis said with a shake of her head. "I'll see you later." 

Rinoa nodded again, but said nothing as she listened to the sound of Quistis's confident footsteps take her out of the room. "I hate her." Rinoa said sullenly after the door shut behind Quistis. 

"No you don't." Ediea said confidently. 

"You're right, I don't." Rinoa agreed. "But I wish I could. Everything comes so _easy_ to her..._she_ wouldn't have any trouble with this..." 

"You don't know that." Edea reassured her, laying a maternal hand on Rinoa's trembling shoulder. "And as to why it seems like everything comes so easy to Quistis...Quistis has been in training for most of her life, in both physical combat and paramagic. Of course she's good. She's also using paramagic, and not true magic the way you do." 

"What's the difference? Magic is magic." Rinoa said dejectedly. 

"No it's not. Paramagic is to magic what a spark is to a bonfire." Edeaw said, her tone suddenly turning somber. "And you're a bonfire unlike any other. Don't be so hard on yourself, Rinoa." 

"I never asked for it." Rinoa said suddenly. "The Sorceress power, I mean. Couldn't I pass it on to somebody else? The way you accidently passed it to me?" 

Edea was still. "You could. she admitted at last. "But who?" 

Rinoa was silent. 

"Therein lies the dilemma, Rinoa. There are very, very few women in the world who can inherit the Sorceress power. Why do you think Adel hunted so long and hard for a successor?" 

"You're right, of course." Rinoa said miserably. 

"And you know what becoming a Sorceress is like." Edea went on. "It's painful...and dealing with the power is difficult. Would you want someone else to have to go through what you're going through now?" 

Rinoa was torn. _No, of course not. I don't want anyone else to have to suffer like this._ She told herself. And for the most part, it was true. 

But a tiny little part of herself whispered... _Yes. I don't care. As long as it means I don't have to deal with it anymore..._

"You should go spend some time with Squall." Edea suggested. "I believe he's with Ellone on the observation deck." 

_Squall..._Rinoa shut her eyes, fingering his ring. "That's a good idea." Squall always made her feel better...just by being there. She needed that right now. She needed it badly. 

"And Rinoa?" 

"Yes?" 

"It _does_ get easier." Edea assured her, before silently leaving the room. 

Leaving Rinoa by herself...

"It must have been difficult, being here with us...and knowing we didn't remember you." Squall said quietly. 

Ellone nodded, leaning against the observation deck's railing to stare out over the ocean below. "It was." she admitted to Squall. She didn't mention how she envied them their forgetfulness. She didn't think Squall would understand. "But I got to watch you...all of you...in the present. And that was comforting to me." 

"But lonesome?" 

"...Sometimes." Ellone nodded. "I used to think about all of you when I was on the White SeeD ship, wishing I could see you. Then Edea vanished, and Cid thought it best to bring me to Balamb Garden...and I could see you. But you didn't know me anymore." she readjusted her green silk shawl. "I went up to you, and you pushed me away. Do you remember that?" 

Squall shook his head. 

Ellone sighed. "Just as well. I came to you, and you didn't know who I was. I didn't understand at the time about the Guardian Forces. Cid...didn't tell me until after." 

"I'm sorry..." 

"It wasn't your fault. You had no idea who I was." Ellone replied. "You know who I am now. That's what's important." 

"...It bothers me, this forgetting." Squall suddenly admitted. "Knowing that if I ever need a Guardian Force again, I'll have to forfeit more memories, when memories are sometimes all I have of people..." 

Squall's words, from a stolen memory, echoed through Ellone's thoughts..._I won't be spoken of in the past tense!_

"Memories are all I have of Aunt Raine." Ellone said quietly. "For years, they were all I had of Uncle Laguna. I don't even have memories of my parents." 

"Neither do I." The notion clearly troubled Squall. 

"That's not entirely true. You've known your mother, through Uncle Laguna's memories." Ellone replied. "You know Uncle Laguna, both from his past and the present. It's not the same as growing up with them, but it's better than nothing." 

"I sup...Rinoa?!" Squall looked over in surprise as Rinoa, shaky and disheveled, came up the stairs and onto the deck. 

She looked first to Ellone, her eyes bloodshot and her nose splotchy red. "I'm...sorry to intrude." she said. "But I..." 

Ellone shook her head. "It's quite all right." she reassured her. She shot a look at Squall. _Go to her, stupid._

He was already taking Rinoa into his arms and brushing her messy hair back. Rinoa buried her head on his shoulder, her shoulder's shaking. Ellone strongly suspected she was crying. "It's okay." he soothed. "What happened? Rough training?" 

"I don't know how you survived with Quistis as your instructor." Rinoa's muffled voice. "She's not human." 

"She never was." Ellone said mildly. "You should've seen her as a child." 

"I can imagine." Rinoa said with a weak little laugh, peering over Squall's shoulder at Ellone. 

"I'm sorry. I should leave you two alone." Ellone said. 

"No, it's okay." Rinoa shook her head. "You can stay. I interupted the two of you." 

Squall shot Ellone a paniced 'don't leave me alone with her like this' look. Ellone nodded slightly. "All right then." 

"What's wrong?" Squall asked urgently. "More than just Quistis..." 

"It's too hard, Squall." Rinoa said fretfully. "Being a Sorceress. I've never run from anything before...but I'd run from this if I could." 

"But...when you were with the Forest Owls..." Squall begain. 

"That was different. I understood my foes, and there were people with me who were in the exact same position I was." Rinoa shook her head. "I'm alone in this. There are no other Sorceresses." 

"And there's never been a Sorceress like you before." Ellone added softly, meeting Rinoa's frightened eyes with her calm ones. "Not in our time, anyway." 

Ultamecia would be a Sorceress like Rinoa, one day, Ellone thought. One woman who carried all the power the Great Hyne had bestowed upon his daughters. She didn't say that, though. Rinoa wouldn't want to be reminded of the fact. 

Besides, judging by the haunted look in the young woman's brown eyes, she was fairly certain Rinoa thought about that more than was healthy. 

Matron's doing her best to teach you." Squall said, rather helplessly. "I thought you were making some progress..." 

"It's one step forward, two steps back." Rinoa shook her head. "And it _hurts_. It doesn't help that Quistis seems to have it so easy...she's so _good_! Every time she brushes aside my magic or breaks through my defenses, all I can think of is how much better she is at this than me..." 

"It's not the same thing. She's had training for years..." 

"That's what Edea said." Rinoa broke in. "But..." 

"I think I understand." Ellone said suddenly. "Squall...do you think you could leave us? I'd like to speak with Rinoa privately." 

Squall gave her a confused look, but Rinoa nodded. "It's okay, Squall. I'd like to hear what she has to say." 

"....All right." Squall nodded. "But I'll be back if you need me..."

I know how you feel." Ellone said quietly as soon as Squall was out of earshot. "I know exactly how you feel." 

Rinoa tilted her head quizzically. "How?" 

"I'm one of a kind too, you know. I know what it's like to struggle with a power nobody else can possibly understand." Ellone brushed part of her short brown hair back behind her left ear from where it had fallen forward. "...But I'm different from you, too. You want to run from your power. I...became obsessed with mine." 

Rinoa went to stand beside Ellone, leaning against the railing too. "Really?"

"That's why I wanted to talk to you alone. I don't think it's something Squall would be comfortable hearing about." Ellone replied. "I was...a little younger than you, I think. My power showed when I was young, but I didn't have any control over it until I was a teenager. Edea helped me figure out how control it while we were on the White SeeD ship. Much like she's trying to help you." 

Rinoa nodded. "Go on." 

"I became...fascinated with it. I was basically happy on the ship, but I missed people. My Aunt Raine, my Uncle Laguna, Squall and the others from the orphanage. So I took to watching my childhood over and over. I...didn't try to change anything. Doing so had not yet occurred to me. I just wanted to watch my past, and live in those happier times." Ellone looked down and smoothed imaginary wrinkles from her blue skirt. "It got to the point that I was living more in the past than in the present. And of course, I got caught. I can't see the past myself, you see. I send somebody else's consciousness back, and watch through them. I sent those I used back to harmless animals...birds...the orphanage cats...I didn't force those I used into the minds of other people. But they still knew it was me, and not some dream." 

"So eventually the people you were sending back figured out what you were doing?" Rinoa guessed. 

"Exactly. My powers weren't exactly a secret. The children and young adults of the ship loved me...so they tolerated it for a long while. But eventually, some of them became worried for me, and told Matron." Ellone smiled slightly, though there was no real joy in it and much remembered pain. "I expected her to be furious. She wasn't. She was just...sad." 

Ellone paused. "I think that was harder on me than her being angry would have been. She just looked at me with her dark eyes and pitied me. I've never liked being pitied." she laughed. "I'm much like Squall in that. We got our pride from the same source, after all, his mother. I learned it from watching her...though he, I'm fairly sure, got it from genetics since Aunt Raine died when he was just a newborn." 

Rinoa nodded. "I know what that's like. I have more than my fare share of my father's stubborn pride." she said, without flinching at the thought of him. 

"Learning not to look back was the hardest thing I ever had to do." Ellone concluded. "I had to realize that the past was dead, and I had to live in the present. It was an obsession...and I didn't fully rid myself of it until recently. If I had, I'd have never sent Squall and the others back the way I did." She looked back up at Rinoa. "It's not easy. There was nobody to guide me. Much as Edea can guide you, but only so far. The rest of the way you have to go it by yourself, and never look back, because if you do, might have beens and almost was will torment you." 

"I've...thought a lot lately about why it had to be me who inherit Edea's power. I ashamed to admit that I don't think it's fair." Rinoa confessed. "It's a petty thought, and not one I like, but at the same time I can't help but think that one of the others could've handled it better than me. Selphie or Quistis...they're trained warriors. I'm a sheltered rich girl turned rebel. Hardly cut out to be a Sorceress of any kind...much less..." Rinoa broke off, and stared down at her feet, flushing with embarrassment. 

"Perhaps." Ellone shocked her by saying. "But that's not to say you can't become the kind of person who can be a good Sorceress. I think you underestimate yourself there." 

"I've been thinking about giving them up, my powers." Rinoa said somberly. 

"You could. I could take them." Ellone nodded. "I was going to be Adel's heir, you know. I have the ability to inherit Sorceress power. I would take them, if you wished it. I learned to handle my own skills; I could learn to deal with being a Sorceress." 

Rinoa shut her eyes. She could be free of this burden, she could go back to being just Rinoa Heartilly again... 

But could she really, now that she'd been through so much? Could she _ever_ go back to being the girl she'd once been, Sorceress or not? And Ellone had already suffered so much from the power she'd been born with... 

Ellone hadn't had any more choice than Rinoa. Rinoa hadn't had a choice; it had just happened. Ellone hadn't had a choice either; she'd been born that way.

If Ellone could learn to cope...with so few to guide her...than Rinoa supposed she could learn to control her powers when she had friends and teachers to support her. 

"No." Rinoa said firmly. She opened her eyes and smiled at Ellone. "There's no need for you to do that. I can...I can handle it. It won't be easy...but it's not all that different from being a rebel in Timber, I guess. The odds are probably more in my favor of becoming a capable Sorceress than they were of the Forest Owls ever actually succeeding in kicking Galbadia out of Timber, and we did that..." she chuckled. "Even if it wasn't quite in the manner we'd always planned." 

Ellone nodded. "I think you can manage just fine." 

"...Thank you." Rinoa said sincerely. 

"You're welcome." Ellone replied, smiling back. "Would you like me to go get Squall...?" 

"...No. You two can finish your talk...tell him I'll see him later. Quistis and I have a training session to finish..." Rinoa explained, a determined look on her face. "I've got a lot of catching up to do. She'll just have to finish her report to Cid later." She straightened. "Bye!" 

"Bye." Ellone waved as Rinoa took determindly to the stairs, a spark rekindled in her eyes that had been missing since the end of the second Sorceress War... 

...The glint of determination...and a glimmer of hope. 

--Fin


End file.
